Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Teams I Don't Like - Peace Offering to Buckeye Fans

On the eve of the BIGGEST GAME OF THE CENTURY per ESPN, I thought I would offer a peace offering to the Buckeye faithful - a team that both PAC 10 and BIG 10 fans can revile and make fun of – University of Texas. If I am not mistaken, Texas dashed OSU national championship hopes this decade in addition to denying USC and the Pac 10 their glory (in addition to beating SC, UT beat ASU last year ruining the program’s return). We have gone back and forth making fun of Leinart’s partying and Reggie Bush’s wuss factor and of course I have had more than my fair share of fun at the expense of Maurice Clarrett – Texas offers something for everyone. Does any school have this run of overhyped wusses and losers?

1) Vince Young

Yes, Matt Leinart used some bad judgment, but at least he partied with the right male female ratio. Beer bong with coeds or straight from the bottle patron with a bunch of sweaty dudes, hmmm – I’ll take A. Add to his judgment issues, now his Mom is making public pleas to give her baby boy a break and stop booing him. His team is calling the cops when he forgets his cell phone – what do they know? The SC/UT championship game might set the record for most wasted talent (or overhyped) superstars in a single game (add SC’s Dwayne Jarrett who joins the list of wookie SC WR’s who are too slow for the pros). Norm Chow, Vince's first offensive coordinator at Tennessee allegedly told his wife to pack her bags when Tenn drafted Young 'cause he knew he would be fired within two years – Young does get credit for driving college’s best OC to UCLA with the Titans footing the bill - excellent. This summer the three year veteran contemplated "retiring" - begs question of defintion of retiring v. just plain quitting.

2) Cedric Benson

Benson broke all of UT rushing records, 1st round pick who was outright released within two years and has yet to be resigned. Was so hated by teammates that by training camp of his rookie year, veterans openly supported Thomas Jones over him as the starting back and gloated when they got to stick him in practice.

3) Leonard Davis

– a true love of all Cardinals fan – supervaluable can’t miss first round T prospect, 6’7” and 330 lbs. of bulldozing weakside protection who signed for like a decade and a kabillion dollars. Within three years had killed multiple Cardinals qb’s with his matador pass protection while lacking any meanstreak or apparent run blocking ability as Cardinal running games ranked dead last in the NFL during his tenure. So bad they had to move him to guard despite his cap killing salary until not resigning him.

4) Ricky Williams

– all time college leading rusher and can't miss prospect, Mike Ditka traded entire Saints draft for his rights and dressed like a woman to court him. Using Master P as his agent, signed maybe the worst incentive based contract in league history. Lasted three or so years before admitting he had some acute shyness disorder (not bad for the face of a franchise). Now trying to make a comeback after decision to move to India or something and retire from football - or was the numerous NFL drug policy violations?

5) Phil Simms Jr. (or is it Chris)

– FU’ed the entire state of Tennessee after agreeing to sign at the other UT there as top ranked qb out of high school only to go prima donna and chose Texas and their historic line of qbs so he could get more "exposure". Wonderboy took three years to become starter after being unable to beat out the legendary 5’3” walk-on Major Applewhite (who?). Career highlight getting his ass kicked and crying mercy in annual beatdowns at the hands of Oklahoma which ultimately led to Oklahoma beatdown at hands of SC . Distinguished pro career as back up in Tampa Bay behind 40 year old qb whose sexuality called into question by TO.

I am not sure why the legacy of whiners, wussies and washouts – it’s like Earl Campbell used up the school’s entire allotment of testicular fortitude. That and these reasons to hate them:

1) They have red and white jerseys (sorry burnt orange) – check
2) Sanctimonious bandwagon fans – “Don’t Mess with Texas”– check
3) Questionable academic credibility (for the athletics at least) – check
4) Annoying redneck gang hand sign – “Hook Em Horns” – check
5) Annoying celebrity fan – Matthew McCoughnehey – Maybe that’s where Vince learned the party shirtless look. Hanging out on the side line at UT games eeirly similar to his Wooderson role in Dazed and Confused -"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age." - check.

Only mitigating factor is that Bevo the longhorn might be one of college football’s best mascots although name has loser history. Apparently after a loss to A&M, this being cowboy country, Aggie fans branded the longhorn with the score of the game 13-0. Texas fans added to the brand to name him BEVO (13 = B, - made into an E, add a V). Kind of like SC naming their team after the idiot losers of the Trojan war who couldn’t figure out the horse thing then make their mascot a dude on a horse. Other mitigating factor – UCLA owned UT back in the Cade McNown era – pre handicapped parking scandal).

Anyway, best wishes to Buckeye fans this weekend, my prediction SC 24 – OSU 13. Fight On!

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