Olympic Sports That Aren't "Olympian"

You can read today's story that the USA Olympic Dressage team was stripped of its fourth place finish HERE. The story got me to thinking. There are some olympic sports that just plain suck. Here's my list of the top 10 non-olympian Olympic "sports."

Numbers 10 through 7- These sports have some merit, but they just aren't working out.

#10 Baseball. "What!?" you ask. "Baseball is the greatest!" "Its America's Game!" Well, sure. Call me a commie or whatever, but facts is facts. There's only about 5 countries that are any good at baseball and the rest of the world sucks. Did you watch China's baseball team? Plus team USA was a bunch of college kids. I mean who the hell cares? I'd rather watch spring training than this garbage. Nice try baseball, but stick to MLB and don't foist this borefest on us.

#9 Shooting. Any of the shooting sports, including skeet, biathlon (which is just silly), and rifle and pistol games. Yes I know the "military purpose" of the original games. But that doesn't hold water these days. The olympics is about sport and making cash for the sponsors. We don't measure military preparedness by Olympic shooting performance. Target shooting is a fine pastime. But that don't make it "Olympian."

#8- Curling. Sorry Canada. Look, I enjoy the old game of shuffleboard is much as the next guy. Especially when they have those cool wooden tables with metal disks at the bar with a few beers. But Curling takes it too far. Its basically shuffleboard on ice. The worst part though is the silly guy who runs ahead of the rock with that broom and sweeps it like he's a madman. That is just plain dumb. It looks like one of those sports you made up as a kid with whatever you could find.

#7 Equestrian. Horse jumping may be a jolly good show, but it just isn't olympian. Now if they had swords and shields or were pulling carriages in the Circus Maximus, then you might be on to something cool. Horse battles would be good. Horse jumping --not so much. Perhaps they could make JOUST an olympic event? That would be good if they used real lances and not that balsa wood garbage they use for the cheesy Vegas shows and geeky renaissance fairs.

Numbers 6 through 3 -The sports for the kids who weren't good enough to make the team.
These are all events that look somewhat like real sports. But when you get down to brass tacks, these are all variants of the real sports designed to give the second-rate athletes something to feel good about. Next time just give them a participation ribbon and we'll save a lot of time and money.

#6 Trampoline - Actually kind of fun to watch, in a Man Show kind of way. These are talented folks who do get way up in the air, but they're just not good enough to make the real gymnastics team. Of course, they could be used as the feeder system for made-for-TV "sport" Slamball. And that's something I suppose. Sorry Trampoliners, you're good, but you're just not olympian.

#5 Rhythmic Gymnastics - Hoops and ribbons just ain't olympic! This Ballet-meets-gymnastics thingy is interesting on occasion but usually is just a bore. Plus it suffers from random judging. To continue the theme, it would be good if two competitors went at the same time and they could throw their toys...err..equipment at each other. Make the balls spiked and I think we have a winner here.

#4 Synchronized Diving - Pretty impressive to watch. But then you remember, these are the guys who couldn't dive well enough to make the team, so they just try to dive exactly like their partner. Interesting in some artistic way I suppose. But a sport of mimicry for the guys who couldn't make the team just doesn't cut it. Plus the judging appears to be made up on the spot. When you watch it they all look pretty good.

#3 Synchronized Swimming --Sure you have to be a good swimmer to do this. But so what? Plus the makeup and outfits basically render these women water clowns. And no way can "Water Clown Performance" be considered olympian.

Numbers 1 and 2 are the kind of sports that if your brother won a medal, you wouldn't tell anyone. Not even your shrink.

#2 Race Walking. I mean, come on. Is this a SNL skit? These guys walk really fast. That's it. Utter boredom combined with uber-geek factor = ugh. Plus most of these guys have Magnum P.I. mustaches. My question is, what makes a person interested in race walking in the first place? Is it some arcane tradition passed down from goofy father to nerdy son? Bob Costas should be asking this question during Olympic TV coverage.

The NUMBER ONE worst sport of all time: Dressage.
As noted above, Yahoo and others are reporting that the U.S. Olympic Dressage Team is being stripped of its 4th place finish in the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Frankly I think this is a good thing. Because Dressage sucks. There is no way around it. What a dumb sport. It makes synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics look awesome. I watched for about 15 minutes when coverage of the "event" came on during my fantasy football draft.

Dressage is simply guys (and gals) in stupid equestrian riding gear trotting around a ring at relatively slow speeds while meeting specific technical requirements. They don't jump anything, they don't lasso anything, and they don't race anything. This is a "sport" for folks with no coordination or skills, but with tons of money to buy outstanding horses, equipment and coaching. Plus they need to be trust-fund babies so that they can "work" at this full time with no need for a job. In other words, Charles III and Mitzi are the only ones who have the money and interest to pursue this crap.

This "sport" must be removed from the olympics. It is an utter disgrace. Plus its name is French.


So, what do you think? Did I miss one? Did I slam your favorite? Comment away!

Two Cheers for Kobe

Although the jury never even went out, we can now concede that Kobe Bryant is, at the very least, an elegant rapist.

For starters, he is leading the American basketballers in just being plain old sports fans, parading with the other athletes and cheering for Michael Phelps, even going so far as to pose with Phelps' mom and to lead the swim team in cheers. (This is a far cry from one of the early Dream Teams, when Hakeem Olajuwon had to elbow Gary Payton on the medal stand to get him to stop his jawing.)

He is also, let's remember, a tri-lingual American [seriously, there can't be more than about 75 tri-lingual Americans in the entire country], giving interviews to the world press in Italian, Spanish and English. (Even better, he refuses to speak French). This is a remarkable skill, and makes Kobe a remarkably well-rounded athlete who can at least attempt to fend off the perception of American insularity and nativism.

There remains, of course, that weekend on the slopes in Aspen. Whatever happened there (he raped her), he certainly forgot the Cassanova creed of leaving his women contented and wanting more. Perhaps Aspen was truly an aberration for an otherwise good guy; to be on the safe side, Kobe, stay away from the wanna-be ski bunnies while in China.

Hammer Time

The Spanish Olympic Basketball Team is pretty good. In fact the team has several NBA players. Here's their team picture (no joke):



Don't worry, there's a reason for the team "slant-eyes" picture.
"It was something like supposed to be funny or something but never offensive in any way," Spain's Pau Gasol, center for the Los Angeles Lakers, said. "I'm sorry if anybody thought or took it the wrong way and thought that it was offensive." The photographer asked them to pose like that, according to Jose Manuel Calderon, a Raptors point guard.

Wait, Gosol is sorry if anyone thought it was offensive. I'm sorry Pau, but that is no apology. You don't get to qualify your apologees. Either you're sorry or you're not. The photo is offensive. Not to mention, stupid, juvenile, etc.

Time for David Stern to tell the NBA players on the Spanish team to apologize. Then he should order them to sensitivity classes or suspension if they don't go. The NBA needs to send a message that that crap don't fly here.

Who Invited the EuroTrash?

Ahh, monsieur Bernard, the fastest swimmer in the world, non? No.

Check out our boys who crushed the Frenchies in the 100 meter freestyle relay. Big words from the Frenchies, non? Well, we've heard those before, haven't we, Monsieur Maginot?

I'm not really even sure why France is still a country. I mean, come on: since the advent of democracy in America, France has had one Nazi puppet, two emperors, three kings and five separate Republiques.

Maybe France should start to compete on some unified team of all their allies: the Rwandan genocidaires; their Libyan frère, whom they protected from the U.S. strike in '86; and the other assorted Mobutus and Papa Docs out there.

And I'm really starting to get annoyed that French remains an official language of the Olympics. Some of the participants even use French for their official names year-round. Timor-Leste hardly seems like a tough-guy nation respected by its peers; sounds more like the little guy that wandered around with the warthog in The Lion King.

So, Bernard. Get your surrender hand ready. And shut your bouche.

Editor's Note #1: Bernard did indeed win the 100 free. Even mouthy guys have their day.

Editor's Note #2: Russia steamrolled right past Sarkozy's cease-fire, so I hope he at least taught the Georgians how to surrender.

Tiananmen was a "crackdown"?

Nice to see that the National Broadcasting Company has become China's b****. During the Opening Ceremonies Jim Lampley, Bob Costas and even Tom Brokaw chose to highlight the perseverance of China in the face of protests rather than the underlying reasons for the protests themselves. And when they did talk about the "occupation" of Tibet or "genocide" in Darfur, those fighting words were mysteriously blurred out of the broadcast. Take a gander below.

Listen, I'm all for recognizing the glorious inventions of China, like the Great Wall, calligraphy, fireworks and pasta. I can even appreciate on a theoretical level the land reform efforts in Yenan after the Long March -- the only time land reform has ever been accomplished in an equitable manner with regard for due process -- but NBC needs to take the good with the bad.

Bob Costas at one point referred to Tiananmen as a "crackdown". Don't you think "massacre" would be a better word for the killing of protesters? The only remotely analogous American violence against peaceful protesters is Bull Connor's dogs and hoses in Birmingham, and Connor has now been reviled by three generations of Americans. The U.S. press would never permit a whitewashing of the violence in Birmingham, and should not sugarcoat the execution of students in China.

And finally, let's talk about the little kid walking in with Yao, the tiny earthquake survivor. Hey, that's a great story. But I swear to you, Bob Costas actually seemed to believe that nonsense that China is spinning about how that teeny little boy crawled his way out of the rubble and then went back to help dig out his classmates. C'mon, reporters and commentators, you know a load of crap when you see it. That's like supporting the Cuban line that Elian Gonzalez is a student leader, or the American military's contention that Jessica Lynch went down with guns ablazing. Let the little kid have his day, but don't perpetuate a myth.

Still, the Games are pretty cool and the Chinese fans are real sportsmen and -women. I'm going back to watch the swimming.

Spitz is a baby

Yahoo is reporting (HERE) that Olympic Legend Mark Spitz feels hurt and snubbed because he wasn't invited to be there in person if his swimming records are broken in Beijing.

Spitz whines:

"I never got invited. You don't go to the Olympics just to say, I am going to go. Especially because of who I am," Spitz told AFP in Hong Kong.
"I am going to sit there and watch Michael Phelps break my record anonymously? That's almost demeaning to me. It is not almost—it is."

The article continues:

Spitz, whose brief stint in show business in the 1970s never quite matched his success in the pool, said he attended the Athens Olympics four years ago—when Phelps also tried to break the record.
"They did not once put my face on television," he recalled. "But as soon as the swimming was over, and Michael Phelps didn't break my record, every time I went to beach volley, they put my face on the volleyballs."

My God, what a egomaniac. He's bitter because HE isn't the star of this olympics? Damn, Mark, if you want to go, then go. But don't get all worked up because they didn't give you the key to the city or "put your face on television." Jeez, what a baby.

Olympics 2008 -China

As you can see anytime you try to watch sports on TV, the Olympics is about to start in China. I love the Olympics. Nothing better than some good old fashioned Nationalism.

But remember: China sucks. Boycott the shows and the advertisers who support China's actions in Tibet by paying money to be seen on the telecast.

More on the boycott HERE.

More on China v. Tibet

This says it all: