Olympic Sports That Aren't "Olympian"

You can read today's story that the USA Olympic Dressage team was stripped of its fourth place finish HERE. The story got me to thinking. There are some olympic sports that just plain suck. Here's my list of the top 10 non-olympian Olympic "sports."

Numbers 10 through 7- These sports have some merit, but they just aren't working out.

#10 Baseball. "What!?" you ask. "Baseball is the greatest!" "Its America's Game!" Well, sure. Call me a commie or whatever, but facts is facts. There's only about 5 countries that are any good at baseball and the rest of the world sucks. Did you watch China's baseball team? Plus team USA was a bunch of college kids. I mean who the hell cares? I'd rather watch spring training than this garbage. Nice try baseball, but stick to MLB and don't foist this borefest on us.

#9 Shooting. Any of the shooting sports, including skeet, biathlon (which is just silly), and rifle and pistol games. Yes I know the "military purpose" of the original games. But that doesn't hold water these days. The olympics is about sport and making cash for the sponsors. We don't measure military preparedness by Olympic shooting performance. Target shooting is a fine pastime. But that don't make it "Olympian."

#8- Curling. Sorry Canada. Look, I enjoy the old game of shuffleboard is much as the next guy. Especially when they have those cool wooden tables with metal disks at the bar with a few beers. But Curling takes it too far. Its basically shuffleboard on ice. The worst part though is the silly guy who runs ahead of the rock with that broom and sweeps it like he's a madman. That is just plain dumb. It looks like one of those sports you made up as a kid with whatever you could find.

#7 Equestrian. Horse jumping may be a jolly good show, but it just isn't olympian. Now if they had swords and shields or were pulling carriages in the Circus Maximus, then you might be on to something cool. Horse battles would be good. Horse jumping --not so much. Perhaps they could make JOUST an olympic event? That would be good if they used real lances and not that balsa wood garbage they use for the cheesy Vegas shows and geeky renaissance fairs.

Numbers 6 through 3 -The sports for the kids who weren't good enough to make the team.
These are all events that look somewhat like real sports. But when you get down to brass tacks, these are all variants of the real sports designed to give the second-rate athletes something to feel good about. Next time just give them a participation ribbon and we'll save a lot of time and money.

#6 Trampoline - Actually kind of fun to watch, in a Man Show kind of way. These are talented folks who do get way up in the air, but they're just not good enough to make the real gymnastics team. Of course, they could be used as the feeder system for made-for-TV "sport" Slamball. And that's something I suppose. Sorry Trampoliners, you're good, but you're just not olympian.

#5 Rhythmic Gymnastics - Hoops and ribbons just ain't olympic! This Ballet-meets-gymnastics thingy is interesting on occasion but usually is just a bore. Plus it suffers from random judging. To continue the theme, it would be good if two competitors went at the same time and they could throw their toys...err..equipment at each other. Make the balls spiked and I think we have a winner here.

#4 Synchronized Diving - Pretty impressive to watch. But then you remember, these are the guys who couldn't dive well enough to make the team, so they just try to dive exactly like their partner. Interesting in some artistic way I suppose. But a sport of mimicry for the guys who couldn't make the team just doesn't cut it. Plus the judging appears to be made up on the spot. When you watch it they all look pretty good.

#3 Synchronized Swimming --Sure you have to be a good swimmer to do this. But so what? Plus the makeup and outfits basically render these women water clowns. And no way can "Water Clown Performance" be considered olympian.

Numbers 1 and 2 are the kind of sports that if your brother won a medal, you wouldn't tell anyone. Not even your shrink.

#2 Race Walking. I mean, come on. Is this a SNL skit? These guys walk really fast. That's it. Utter boredom combined with uber-geek factor = ugh. Plus most of these guys have Magnum P.I. mustaches. My question is, what makes a person interested in race walking in the first place? Is it some arcane tradition passed down from goofy father to nerdy son? Bob Costas should be asking this question during Olympic TV coverage.

The NUMBER ONE worst sport of all time: Dressage.
As noted above, Yahoo and others are reporting that the U.S. Olympic Dressage Team is being stripped of its 4th place finish in the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. Frankly I think this is a good thing. Because Dressage sucks. There is no way around it. What a dumb sport. It makes synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics look awesome. I watched for about 15 minutes when coverage of the "event" came on during my fantasy football draft.

Dressage is simply guys (and gals) in stupid equestrian riding gear trotting around a ring at relatively slow speeds while meeting specific technical requirements. They don't jump anything, they don't lasso anything, and they don't race anything. This is a "sport" for folks with no coordination or skills, but with tons of money to buy outstanding horses, equipment and coaching. Plus they need to be trust-fund babies so that they can "work" at this full time with no need for a job. In other words, Charles III and Mitzi are the only ones who have the money and interest to pursue this crap.

This "sport" must be removed from the olympics. It is an utter disgrace. Plus its name is French.


So, what do you think? Did I miss one? Did I slam your favorite? Comment away!